As usual, there's a few things I've been thinking about and that I just want to put out there, because I think it's important.
Last night, Master instructed me to go to bed at a "reasonable hour." I was not quite sure what that would mean, so I asked a friend of mine, who happens to be a schoolteacher and mother to a six-year-old, about it.
I asked her, "What do you think would be an appropriate bedtime for an eleven-year-old girl?"
She answered that she thought between 9:00 and 9:30 would be reasonable. When she learned that Master had instructed that I go to bed at a reasonable hour and that Master overall treats me as if I am an eleven-year-old girl - which admittedly would be hurtful and offensive to a number of people, but it makes me feel safe and comfortable - she upped that to 10:00 PM since she's my friend and doesn't quite want to be the one to tell me "go to bed now" bearing in mind that it was 8:55 when I asked. I am turning 30 in a few days, just over a week, and I'm in no way in denial about the big 3 0 that is approaching me rather quickly. I'm intellectually thirty years old and I'm biologically thirty years old, spiritually I'm vastly older than that in the age of my soul and the nature of my beliefs, but emotionally I'm an eleven-year-old girl with a lot of the characteristics of an eleven-year-old. For instance, although I am just much more knowledgeable about sex and sexuality than your average eleven-year-old (or at least I hope I'm more knowledgeable than an eleven-year-old on this topic, anyway), I'm still a virgin in every way that is pertinent (as I've never been penetrated in any context whatsoever), and I'm naive. That is, there's a lot of things I'm not clueless or childish about, but I'm also highly idealistic, creative, and utterly naive about a lot of things. Due to my Asperger's Syndrome, I'm completely naive to lying, deception of any kind. I can't lie, deceive, omit, etcetera, intentionally. It makes me just extremely uncomfortable. However, due to Asperger's, I also can't understand these things well enough to be able to determine when someone's doing it unless the lie is blatantly obvious, such as, "That cloud isn't white, it's green." Well, I know the difference between green and white, thank you very much! I'm not that gullible. However, I am naively gullible because of the Asperger's, and that's a reason that I need trustworthy people around me, and especially a trustworthy Master, and the one who Owns me is utterly beautiful and wonderfully worthy of my absolute and complete faith.
So being treated like an eleven-year-old girl doesn't bother me. Like some of the most demure such girls, when someone comes too close to me that I don't know and seems like a dominant identity, I prefer to hide behind a trusted adult. Master, preferentially, or Master's fiancee, since he's ex-military and I feel confident that he'll protect me if I'm out with him and Master isn't there.
I also want to take this moment to say thank you to some people that are probably never going to ever read this, but if they do, they'll know who they are. There are a number of amazing people in my life who have been amazing with regards to all of this: I've told them that I am a slave, that I'm happily owned and collared, and they did not respond with shock or horror or disgust or anything like that. They have accepted me as a slave-girl, a few of them have even allowed me to begin to address them from a more submissive position, by which I mean adding Miss before their name because they're a more dominant personality and are emotionally older than me. I'm not emotionally an adult, and even with regards to the ones that are literally the same exact number of years in age as I am, addressing them as, for instance, Miss Amanda makes me feel better than just calling them Amanda. Please note that I don't actually know an Amanda in real life nor is anyone I know online that I've told about this named Amanda, and that's the reason I chose to use the name Amanda for the sake of the example.
Some of these people are people I know only from the internet - many of them live in the United States, but some don't. There are people I know who live in Australia, Italy, Sweden and Canada that I have told about this, and they haven't even batted an eyelash at it. Why are Americans this provincial about the concept of consensual slavery? It seems like nobody else is even bothered, as long as it's consensual and makes you happy.
Of course, one of the American women that I told that I know in person, whose name also will not be mentioned, has said things like You shouldn't be a slave, or You don't deserve to be hit. Of course, she means well, but she doesn't quite understand that being a slave is what I want to be, it's what makes me happy, it's what makes me feel safe. It's what makes me feel good about my my life and who I am. She doesn't quite understand that I am a masochist, that I enjoy being hurt, in ways that are safe, sane, and consensual, ways that won't cause any permanent damage. I'm happy when I have red marks, welts, even bruises! Master has promised to hurt me a lot, and it is something that I am looking forward to very much, as it'll be "reward welts" and "love bruises." It's when you visit and don't see Master's bruises and welts on my back, rump, and thighs, that you know I did something bad recently and She's taking away those things as punishment for me doing something I wasn't supposed to.
I need the discipline, the structure, and the order that She gives me, and I need those in a context of mutual love, trust, appreciation, respect and admiration. I am completely devoted to Master as She has saved my life from the depression and the death wish which were destroying everything that made me who I am now that I'm free of their dark influences. I'm happier than I've ever been, for that matter I'm happier than I'd ever imagined that I possibly could be, and it is Master that's done that, it's Master that's given me a new lease on life, and new things to look forward to.
She's allowed me to feel confident that eventually, I will be completely feminized, that I will get my transition surgeries and that, eventually, I will have a vagina. I have aspirations in my life, and I'm sure that I'll make great progress on those once I'm able to serve Her, live in a comfortable place with a stress-free environment, and I'm quite certain that writing this very blog is going to help me as well. This is a cathartic release for me, and I definitely understand why so many people have a journal, and I take great comfort in knowing that at any time, Master can come to this and just see what's going on in my life, how I'm feeling. It makes me feel even safer knowing that I've got some way for Master to always know what's going on with my life, in that She can read this, and keep Her eye on my emotional health. It's one of Her responsibilities as Master, and Master has very strong convictions about what a Master's obligations are with regards to their slave and for this reason I always feel complete security as Her slave and total faith in that She won't hurt me.
She would never damage Her own property. She is responsible for my health - sexual, physical, emotional, spiritual and nutritional - and I completely trust in Her to keep me healthy and happy, because She believes very firmly that a healthy, happy slave is one that is highly obedient. It is a true statement, too, in that regard: I don't need Her to be in love with me just because I'm in love with Her, because She nurtures the feelings I have for Her, She embraces them and appreciates them. As long as I feel that my love is appreciated, I won't feel like I'm being taken advantage of, because tit isn't unrequited love, at least not as far as I am. Unrequited love is painful and tragic, and that's not how I feel about this. Master knows I am in love with Her - in fact, She knew it even before I knew it, as did a few others - and She may not reciprocate the romantic love, but She is still extraordinarily loving and good to me. That's all I want.
Master is in love with Her fiancee, and he is in love with Her. This is something else that gives me feelings of safety and security, because when I live with them, I'll live with a couple so much more wonderful than the two I live with right now. My adoptive parents, they constantly argue, they fight, they act like they hate each other and they don't give one damn concern to that there's someone else in the house that's getting stressed out in the extreme because of it and that they are giving me extreme pain of a kind that quite frankly I don't like. I have chronic cluster migraines, once in a blue moon I'll have a day without any head pain at all, because 90% of the time when I do not have a migraine, I still have a headache so I need to take pills to escape this pain. By the way, I advocate Excedrin Migraine if you're not allergic to it, it's absolutely fucking phenomenal. Back on topic, however, on those FEW days that I have without pain at the start of the day, by the end of the day, I always have been given a migraine as a present from these two and their incessant arguments and the way they treat each other and don't give a fuck about how it makes me feel. I complain, and I'm told to grow up. No, it isn't about maturity, it's about me not wanting to hear it because it gives me a blasted migraine and it's also about your quality as adoptive parents. I'm pretty sure that good parents don't make their children think that marriage is just some fucked up financial arrangement by two people that act like and talk to each other in a way that suggests a desire to murder each other in their sleep.
Now, I realize, sometimes feelings get hurt, relationships become strained for this reason or for that reason, but in 30 YEARS these two have never gotten along once to my recollection. They have been arguing and have hated each other for about as long as I can remember, I literally do not have any memories of them getting along. I know for a fact they haven't fucked each other in the entire last 27 years, because they haven't slept in the same room for as long as I can recall, either. My adoptive mother tells me they've slept together "in this house."
There's an internet saying that I find very appropriate: "Pix or it didn't happen." I've lived here the entire time and don't remember you two having shared a bedroom in the last 25 years since we moved to New Jersey. Last time I checked, having sex with someone required being together in the same room for a particular period of time.
Conversely, the couple that I'll be living with love each other, deeply and truly love each other and I am extremely eager to live with them and see what a household is like with two people who not only love each other, but can actually act like they love each other.
As I've said, I am also a virgin, and sometime in the next year, I expect to lose my virginity to Master's strapon. I told Her that I wanted Her to be the one to take my virginity. For one thing, because I am Her property that makes my virginity likewise Her property, and so it's only right Master get to claim it for Herself. I told Her, I didn't want a "real" cock, I wanted Her cock. Hers might not be able to orgasm, but I don't fucking care, I want Hers to be the one that takes my virginity, because Hers is the one that's most important to me. Of course, after that, if Master's orders were to service Her fiancee next, I'd have no problem with that. I mean, I've never, ever fantasized about him, but at the same time ... well, let's just put it this way. He has been sweet, compassionate, friendly, and he's made me feel utterly welcome in the dynamic. Of course, it also doesn't hurt that he is fucking beautiful, so... yeah. If Master gave him permission to have sexual interaction with me, there would not be any kind of complaint from me even though I've never actually fantasized about doing anything sexual with him.
That's actually kind of funny to me. He's the most beautiful male I've ever seen. Not just bodily, either, but the way he's behaved towards me has given me a very high opinion of his quality in general, as a person. I find myself amused that I haven't fantasized about him, but it's probably because Master's never told me to do so and I wouldn't do so without express approval, even if I'd have sex with him on command, like a good girl.
I realize this has all been very personal, but I'm a very personal kind of blogger, and I'm not shy about what I'm thinking at any given moment. I realize this has been a pretty long entry and that I've shifted from one thought to a similar (or maybe dissimilar) thought through the course of my entry, but it's primarily because of my Attention Deficit Disorder.
At the moment, I feel like I have a 55% likelihood of moving from New Jersey to Tennessee by next February. Master has promised me an apartment in extremely close proximity to Her home as a 100% guarantee to occur sometime between October of 2012 and February of 2013. Still, there's a 55% chance or thereabouts in my estimation, of me being living in Tennessee by the February of 2012 and living close enough to be of far more use to Her than I've been able to be up until this point. The sooner the better, in my opinion. I'm extremely eager, and I have already on what things I feel as if I absolutely must bring with me.
I need to bring my dog, and Master has promised that I can bring and keep my dog as soon as I move out of the current living situation. I have to bring my female clothes, because although I am what I would describe as a preferential nudist, I also do not want to tease the foster family that I will be housed by since Master's own home does not have anywhere to put me at present. I will also need to bring my mattress. It's a Sleep Number air mattress, no way in hell will I leave that behind!
I also need to bring my gaming consoles and video games, plus my books and trading cards, as I don't want to give these up, and the obvious bringing of a laptop. One of my requirements is the availability of an internet connection of some kind. I can't stand being offline, especially since it's my primary connection to the Master who Owns me and my only connection to the couple dozen most important people in my life whom I love the most and who accept me precisely as I am, the people I mentioned above, earlier in this entry. Past that, I need to bring my leather jacket, since I absolutely love it, and I need to bring a really nice leather coat that I want to give to Eric as I feel like he might enjoy it and because I think he'd look really nice in it. I'm not sure if it would be very good to compliment his complexion and I'm fairly certain that the lining is faux fur, but whatever. I just want to give it to him because it's a definite "man coat," but it's also really nice, comfortable, and warm. I don't know if the weather gets cold enough down in Tennessee for him to wear it, at all, in Tennessee, but if the winter gets chilly enough for it? I want him to have it. Every time I talk to him, I grow a bit fonder of him.
Lastly, and this is the section geared especially towards Master but I invite everyone to read this part as it is kind of the point of the name of my blog, Master's Loving Girl, and all.
I love you, Master. I love you with every fiber of my being, I love you with all of my heart, I love you as much as I have ever loved anyone. I love you more than I can find the words to describe, and I have absolute trust and infinite faith in you. You make me feel loved, accepted, admired, valued and respected. You make me feel happier than I've felt in 22 years, and in your possession I feel safe for the first time in my life. I can hardly contain my eagerness to wear the collar that you are weaving for me. I know I'll love it as much as I love you and every other person in my heart-family.
- Protected Slave and Property of the Magnificent Miss_Misanthropy,
Privileged to be Master's Adoring Pet Whore, Ophelia / Phee
Last night, Master instructed me to go to bed at a "reasonable hour." I was not quite sure what that would mean, so I asked a friend of mine, who happens to be a schoolteacher and mother to a six-year-old, about it.
I asked her, "What do you think would be an appropriate bedtime for an eleven-year-old girl?"
She answered that she thought between 9:00 and 9:30 would be reasonable. When she learned that Master had instructed that I go to bed at a reasonable hour and that Master overall treats me as if I am an eleven-year-old girl - which admittedly would be hurtful and offensive to a number of people, but it makes me feel safe and comfortable - she upped that to 10:00 PM since she's my friend and doesn't quite want to be the one to tell me "go to bed now" bearing in mind that it was 8:55 when I asked. I am turning 30 in a few days, just over a week, and I'm in no way in denial about the big 3 0 that is approaching me rather quickly. I'm intellectually thirty years old and I'm biologically thirty years old, spiritually I'm vastly older than that in the age of my soul and the nature of my beliefs, but emotionally I'm an eleven-year-old girl with a lot of the characteristics of an eleven-year-old. For instance, although I am just much more knowledgeable about sex and sexuality than your average eleven-year-old (or at least I hope I'm more knowledgeable than an eleven-year-old on this topic, anyway), I'm still a virgin in every way that is pertinent (as I've never been penetrated in any context whatsoever), and I'm naive. That is, there's a lot of things I'm not clueless or childish about, but I'm also highly idealistic, creative, and utterly naive about a lot of things. Due to my Asperger's Syndrome, I'm completely naive to lying, deception of any kind. I can't lie, deceive, omit, etcetera, intentionally. It makes me just extremely uncomfortable. However, due to Asperger's, I also can't understand these things well enough to be able to determine when someone's doing it unless the lie is blatantly obvious, such as, "That cloud isn't white, it's green." Well, I know the difference between green and white, thank you very much! I'm not that gullible. However, I am naively gullible because of the Asperger's, and that's a reason that I need trustworthy people around me, and especially a trustworthy Master, and the one who Owns me is utterly beautiful and wonderfully worthy of my absolute and complete faith.
So being treated like an eleven-year-old girl doesn't bother me. Like some of the most demure such girls, when someone comes too close to me that I don't know and seems like a dominant identity, I prefer to hide behind a trusted adult. Master, preferentially, or Master's fiancee, since he's ex-military and I feel confident that he'll protect me if I'm out with him and Master isn't there.
I also want to take this moment to say thank you to some people that are probably never going to ever read this, but if they do, they'll know who they are. There are a number of amazing people in my life who have been amazing with regards to all of this: I've told them that I am a slave, that I'm happily owned and collared, and they did not respond with shock or horror or disgust or anything like that. They have accepted me as a slave-girl, a few of them have even allowed me to begin to address them from a more submissive position, by which I mean adding Miss before their name because they're a more dominant personality and are emotionally older than me. I'm not emotionally an adult, and even with regards to the ones that are literally the same exact number of years in age as I am, addressing them as, for instance, Miss Amanda makes me feel better than just calling them Amanda. Please note that I don't actually know an Amanda in real life nor is anyone I know online that I've told about this named Amanda, and that's the reason I chose to use the name Amanda for the sake of the example.
Some of these people are people I know only from the internet - many of them live in the United States, but some don't. There are people I know who live in Australia, Italy, Sweden and Canada that I have told about this, and they haven't even batted an eyelash at it. Why are Americans this provincial about the concept of consensual slavery? It seems like nobody else is even bothered, as long as it's consensual and makes you happy.
Of course, one of the American women that I told that I know in person, whose name also will not be mentioned, has said things like You shouldn't be a slave, or You don't deserve to be hit. Of course, she means well, but she doesn't quite understand that being a slave is what I want to be, it's what makes me happy, it's what makes me feel safe. It's what makes me feel good about my my life and who I am. She doesn't quite understand that I am a masochist, that I enjoy being hurt, in ways that are safe, sane, and consensual, ways that won't cause any permanent damage. I'm happy when I have red marks, welts, even bruises! Master has promised to hurt me a lot, and it is something that I am looking forward to very much, as it'll be "reward welts" and "love bruises." It's when you visit and don't see Master's bruises and welts on my back, rump, and thighs, that you know I did something bad recently and She's taking away those things as punishment for me doing something I wasn't supposed to.
I need the discipline, the structure, and the order that She gives me, and I need those in a context of mutual love, trust, appreciation, respect and admiration. I am completely devoted to Master as She has saved my life from the depression and the death wish which were destroying everything that made me who I am now that I'm free of their dark influences. I'm happier than I've ever been, for that matter I'm happier than I'd ever imagined that I possibly could be, and it is Master that's done that, it's Master that's given me a new lease on life, and new things to look forward to.
She's allowed me to feel confident that eventually, I will be completely feminized, that I will get my transition surgeries and that, eventually, I will have a vagina. I have aspirations in my life, and I'm sure that I'll make great progress on those once I'm able to serve Her, live in a comfortable place with a stress-free environment, and I'm quite certain that writing this very blog is going to help me as well. This is a cathartic release for me, and I definitely understand why so many people have a journal, and I take great comfort in knowing that at any time, Master can come to this and just see what's going on in my life, how I'm feeling. It makes me feel even safer knowing that I've got some way for Master to always know what's going on with my life, in that She can read this, and keep Her eye on my emotional health. It's one of Her responsibilities as Master, and Master has very strong convictions about what a Master's obligations are with regards to their slave and for this reason I always feel complete security as Her slave and total faith in that She won't hurt me.
She would never damage Her own property. She is responsible for my health - sexual, physical, emotional, spiritual and nutritional - and I completely trust in Her to keep me healthy and happy, because She believes very firmly that a healthy, happy slave is one that is highly obedient. It is a true statement, too, in that regard: I don't need Her to be in love with me just because I'm in love with Her, because She nurtures the feelings I have for Her, She embraces them and appreciates them. As long as I feel that my love is appreciated, I won't feel like I'm being taken advantage of, because tit isn't unrequited love, at least not as far as I am. Unrequited love is painful and tragic, and that's not how I feel about this. Master knows I am in love with Her - in fact, She knew it even before I knew it, as did a few others - and She may not reciprocate the romantic love, but She is still extraordinarily loving and good to me. That's all I want.
Master is in love with Her fiancee, and he is in love with Her. This is something else that gives me feelings of safety and security, because when I live with them, I'll live with a couple so much more wonderful than the two I live with right now. My adoptive parents, they constantly argue, they fight, they act like they hate each other and they don't give one damn concern to that there's someone else in the house that's getting stressed out in the extreme because of it and that they are giving me extreme pain of a kind that quite frankly I don't like. I have chronic cluster migraines, once in a blue moon I'll have a day without any head pain at all, because 90% of the time when I do not have a migraine, I still have a headache so I need to take pills to escape this pain. By the way, I advocate Excedrin Migraine if you're not allergic to it, it's absolutely fucking phenomenal. Back on topic, however, on those FEW days that I have without pain at the start of the day, by the end of the day, I always have been given a migraine as a present from these two and their incessant arguments and the way they treat each other and don't give a fuck about how it makes me feel. I complain, and I'm told to grow up. No, it isn't about maturity, it's about me not wanting to hear it because it gives me a blasted migraine and it's also about your quality as adoptive parents. I'm pretty sure that good parents don't make their children think that marriage is just some fucked up financial arrangement by two people that act like and talk to each other in a way that suggests a desire to murder each other in their sleep.
Now, I realize, sometimes feelings get hurt, relationships become strained for this reason or for that reason, but in 30 YEARS these two have never gotten along once to my recollection. They have been arguing and have hated each other for about as long as I can remember, I literally do not have any memories of them getting along. I know for a fact they haven't fucked each other in the entire last 27 years, because they haven't slept in the same room for as long as I can recall, either. My adoptive mother tells me they've slept together "in this house."
There's an internet saying that I find very appropriate: "Pix or it didn't happen." I've lived here the entire time and don't remember you two having shared a bedroom in the last 25 years since we moved to New Jersey. Last time I checked, having sex with someone required being together in the same room for a particular period of time.
Conversely, the couple that I'll be living with love each other, deeply and truly love each other and I am extremely eager to live with them and see what a household is like with two people who not only love each other, but can actually act like they love each other.
As I've said, I am also a virgin, and sometime in the next year, I expect to lose my virginity to Master's strapon. I told Her that I wanted Her to be the one to take my virginity. For one thing, because I am Her property that makes my virginity likewise Her property, and so it's only right Master get to claim it for Herself. I told Her, I didn't want a "real" cock, I wanted Her cock. Hers might not be able to orgasm, but I don't fucking care, I want Hers to be the one that takes my virginity, because Hers is the one that's most important to me. Of course, after that, if Master's orders were to service Her fiancee next, I'd have no problem with that. I mean, I've never, ever fantasized about him, but at the same time ... well, let's just put it this way. He has been sweet, compassionate, friendly, and he's made me feel utterly welcome in the dynamic. Of course, it also doesn't hurt that he is fucking beautiful, so... yeah. If Master gave him permission to have sexual interaction with me, there would not be any kind of complaint from me even though I've never actually fantasized about doing anything sexual with him.
That's actually kind of funny to me. He's the most beautiful male I've ever seen. Not just bodily, either, but the way he's behaved towards me has given me a very high opinion of his quality in general, as a person. I find myself amused that I haven't fantasized about him, but it's probably because Master's never told me to do so and I wouldn't do so without express approval, even if I'd have sex with him on command, like a good girl.
I realize this has all been very personal, but I'm a very personal kind of blogger, and I'm not shy about what I'm thinking at any given moment. I realize this has been a pretty long entry and that I've shifted from one thought to a similar (or maybe dissimilar) thought through the course of my entry, but it's primarily because of my Attention Deficit Disorder.
At the moment, I feel like I have a 55% likelihood of moving from New Jersey to Tennessee by next February. Master has promised me an apartment in extremely close proximity to Her home as a 100% guarantee to occur sometime between October of 2012 and February of 2013. Still, there's a 55% chance or thereabouts in my estimation, of me being living in Tennessee by the February of 2012 and living close enough to be of far more use to Her than I've been able to be up until this point. The sooner the better, in my opinion. I'm extremely eager, and I have already on what things I feel as if I absolutely must bring with me.
I need to bring my dog, and Master has promised that I can bring and keep my dog as soon as I move out of the current living situation. I have to bring my female clothes, because although I am what I would describe as a preferential nudist, I also do not want to tease the foster family that I will be housed by since Master's own home does not have anywhere to put me at present. I will also need to bring my mattress. It's a Sleep Number air mattress, no way in hell will I leave that behind!
I also need to bring my gaming consoles and video games, plus my books and trading cards, as I don't want to give these up, and the obvious bringing of a laptop. One of my requirements is the availability of an internet connection of some kind. I can't stand being offline, especially since it's my primary connection to the Master who Owns me and my only connection to the couple dozen most important people in my life whom I love the most and who accept me precisely as I am, the people I mentioned above, earlier in this entry. Past that, I need to bring my leather jacket, since I absolutely love it, and I need to bring a really nice leather coat that I want to give to Eric as I feel like he might enjoy it and because I think he'd look really nice in it. I'm not sure if it would be very good to compliment his complexion and I'm fairly certain that the lining is faux fur, but whatever. I just want to give it to him because it's a definite "man coat," but it's also really nice, comfortable, and warm. I don't know if the weather gets cold enough down in Tennessee for him to wear it, at all, in Tennessee, but if the winter gets chilly enough for it? I want him to have it. Every time I talk to him, I grow a bit fonder of him.
Lastly, and this is the section geared especially towards Master but I invite everyone to read this part as it is kind of the point of the name of my blog, Master's Loving Girl, and all.
I love you, Master. I love you with every fiber of my being, I love you with all of my heart, I love you as much as I have ever loved anyone. I love you more than I can find the words to describe, and I have absolute trust and infinite faith in you. You make me feel loved, accepted, admired, valued and respected. You make me feel happier than I've felt in 22 years, and in your possession I feel safe for the first time in my life. I can hardly contain my eagerness to wear the collar that you are weaving for me. I know I'll love it as much as I love you and every other person in my heart-family.
- Protected Slave and Property of the Magnificent Miss_Misanthropy,
Privileged to be Master's Adoring Pet Whore, Ophelia / Phee
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