This morning is something of a mixed bag.
I got to talk to Master last night, which was -- as always -- something that made me feel this whole range of sensations that nobody else has ever given me. I felt sparkly, shimmery, glittery and shiny, like everything about me was just glowing.
Somewhere not too long before bed, Master told me to go to bed, and called me "little girl." That just made my heart soar, because I am a little girl, and specifically, I'm Her little girl. Now don't be thinking that I'm deranged or delusional, or that I don't realize how old I actually am. I very much do realize what my actual age is. Biologically and intellectually, I am just 4 days away from turning 30. Spiritually, I believe in reincarnation, I'm over 10,000 years old. However, in this life, I have had the kinds of experiences and been diagnosed with certain mental conditions (specifically, Asperger's Syndrome, Attention Deficit Disorder, and Hyperactivity) which make me in many ways a little girl, esp. emotionally. To be very specific, Master treats me like I am an eleven-year-old girl, and I very much enjoy that treatment, because it makes me feel good, it makes me feel safe.
Now, will I always feel, emotionally, as if I am an eleven-year-old? I may, I may not. Master may elect to "raise" Her little girl through the age range to bring me progressively closer to feeling as if I am an adult in some ways. There are some things about me which are always going to be childlike. As far as I know, these are things that Master has made me feel as if She likes: my idealistic creativity, my emotional expressiveness, and my intense energy. Other traits, like my inability to keep paying attention at times or my inability to have my attention drawn away from something that's got simply every ounce of my attention or damned near it, may have to be trained out of me or worked on, and hopefully, any traits of mine She dislikes, are things that I'll be able to change and will not mind that they're things She wants to change. I don't even remotely imagine She'll ask me to change anything about me that makes me who I am, because She's made it very clear, She loves me for who I am & despite that I'm not even close to fully-trained yet, I feel like Her love is absolute, unconditional, and will only grow stronger the further I progress in my training.
On the other hand, I woke up with a killer migraine.
Thank God for Excedrin Migraine.
Also, thank God for Master, and for all of the good, true friends that I have made in my life. Not just in the last month, but just in general. There are so many just wonderfully accepting and embracing people that take me (not in the sexual sense in this case) precisely as I am and appreciate me for who I am. Of course, there's also always that one person who cares deeply for you but just doesn't quite get it when you tell them things about yourself, and they accept you and love you, but they are having so much trouble understanding certain things and it hurts because you want for them to not simply know, but understand.
There's a friend of mine from middle school whom I love dearly, and whom I know cares about me deeply, but she can't understand the slavery or the masochism. She's an absolutely wonderful and accepting person, but she has trouble with understanding these things.
She said to me, "But you shouldn't be a slave," or something very similar to that, and she said to me, "You don't deserve to be hit."
I tried to explain to her that being a slave makes me happy, that being a slave brings me feelings of deep personal satisfaction and fulfillment. I know this is not a common thing and I understand, very much, that this is something that is hard to understand for other people. I know she wants to and I know she's probably trying to, but I just don't know what I can do to help her understand this.
It was equally hard to explain the masochism, and I know I haven't managed to express it in any kind of way that she'll be able to understand and that'll let her really "get it." She's a beautiful girl, and a marvelous person, and I feel in my heart as if she's really trying to wrap her mind around it but is having trouble. I hope that when I earn my collaring ceremony, she'll accept the invitation to come to the ceremony, and that that'll be that "ah-ha!" moment of enlightenment when she finally understands the nature and the significance of the relationship, and why this means so much to me despite that it's so radically different from the mainstream world.
Anyway.
I don't feel like I have too much more to say this morning other than that. Maybe I do and just don't realize it, but probably not, so... you'll just have to wait two more days to hear more from me, if you actually like hearing anything from me at all.
As always, I love you, Master, with every fiber of my being, with every nanometer of my heart, every bit as much as I have ever loved anyone in the whole of my existence.
As always, I trust you, Master, with every aspect of my health and without question. You have never harmed or damaged me in any way, though your occasional absences have filled my heart with the very deepest worry and concern.
It is my deepest hope that January will work out, and I will get to move down to Tennessee to be as near to you as possible for the rest of my life.
- Protected Slave and Property of the Magnificent Miss_Misanthropy,
Privileged to be Master's Adoring Pet Whore, Ophelia / Phee
I got to talk to Master last night, which was -- as always -- something that made me feel this whole range of sensations that nobody else has ever given me. I felt sparkly, shimmery, glittery and shiny, like everything about me was just glowing.
Somewhere not too long before bed, Master told me to go to bed, and called me "little girl." That just made my heart soar, because I am a little girl, and specifically, I'm Her little girl. Now don't be thinking that I'm deranged or delusional, or that I don't realize how old I actually am. I very much do realize what my actual age is. Biologically and intellectually, I am just 4 days away from turning 30. Spiritually, I believe in reincarnation, I'm over 10,000 years old. However, in this life, I have had the kinds of experiences and been diagnosed with certain mental conditions (specifically, Asperger's Syndrome, Attention Deficit Disorder, and Hyperactivity) which make me in many ways a little girl, esp. emotionally. To be very specific, Master treats me like I am an eleven-year-old girl, and I very much enjoy that treatment, because it makes me feel good, it makes me feel safe.
Now, will I always feel, emotionally, as if I am an eleven-year-old? I may, I may not. Master may elect to "raise" Her little girl through the age range to bring me progressively closer to feeling as if I am an adult in some ways. There are some things about me which are always going to be childlike. As far as I know, these are things that Master has made me feel as if She likes: my idealistic creativity, my emotional expressiveness, and my intense energy. Other traits, like my inability to keep paying attention at times or my inability to have my attention drawn away from something that's got simply every ounce of my attention or damned near it, may have to be trained out of me or worked on, and hopefully, any traits of mine She dislikes, are things that I'll be able to change and will not mind that they're things She wants to change. I don't even remotely imagine She'll ask me to change anything about me that makes me who I am, because She's made it very clear, She loves me for who I am & despite that I'm not even close to fully-trained yet, I feel like Her love is absolute, unconditional, and will only grow stronger the further I progress in my training.
On the other hand, I woke up with a killer migraine.
Thank God for Excedrin Migraine.
Also, thank God for Master, and for all of the good, true friends that I have made in my life. Not just in the last month, but just in general. There are so many just wonderfully accepting and embracing people that take me (not in the sexual sense in this case) precisely as I am and appreciate me for who I am. Of course, there's also always that one person who cares deeply for you but just doesn't quite get it when you tell them things about yourself, and they accept you and love you, but they are having so much trouble understanding certain things and it hurts because you want for them to not simply know, but understand.
There's a friend of mine from middle school whom I love dearly, and whom I know cares about me deeply, but she can't understand the slavery or the masochism. She's an absolutely wonderful and accepting person, but she has trouble with understanding these things.
She said to me, "But you shouldn't be a slave," or something very similar to that, and she said to me, "You don't deserve to be hit."
I tried to explain to her that being a slave makes me happy, that being a slave brings me feelings of deep personal satisfaction and fulfillment. I know this is not a common thing and I understand, very much, that this is something that is hard to understand for other people. I know she wants to and I know she's probably trying to, but I just don't know what I can do to help her understand this.
It was equally hard to explain the masochism, and I know I haven't managed to express it in any kind of way that she'll be able to understand and that'll let her really "get it." She's a beautiful girl, and a marvelous person, and I feel in my heart as if she's really trying to wrap her mind around it but is having trouble. I hope that when I earn my collaring ceremony, she'll accept the invitation to come to the ceremony, and that that'll be that "ah-ha!" moment of enlightenment when she finally understands the nature and the significance of the relationship, and why this means so much to me despite that it's so radically different from the mainstream world.
Anyway.
I don't feel like I have too much more to say this morning other than that. Maybe I do and just don't realize it, but probably not, so... you'll just have to wait two more days to hear more from me, if you actually like hearing anything from me at all.
As always, I love you, Master, with every fiber of my being, with every nanometer of my heart, every bit as much as I have ever loved anyone in the whole of my existence.
As always, I trust you, Master, with every aspect of my health and without question. You have never harmed or damaged me in any way, though your occasional absences have filled my heart with the very deepest worry and concern.
It is my deepest hope that January will work out, and I will get to move down to Tennessee to be as near to you as possible for the rest of my life.
- Protected Slave and Property of the Magnificent Miss_Misanthropy,
Privileged to be Master's Adoring Pet Whore, Ophelia / Phee
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