Tuesday, 3 January, 2011.

I can't wait to get out of here. My adoptive mother drives me through a wall, literally through one, because of the fact that she knows my buttons and she just mashes my buttons until she drives me into a complete and self-shaming actions that I am not proud of, but which I couldn't restrain, either, because of how much she pushed my buttons knowing full well what the results would be.


I don't think I can stand being here until Friday. I feel like driving my Jeep into a lake right now and the worst part about that is there's three lakes within 10 minutes' drive of me that I could easily go ahead and drive into, to end it all. I've had suicidal thoughts all my life, but only two days since I've been with Master have I had this kind of depth-of-despair, but every day it gets harder, every day it becomes more difficult to take it. I can't handle this.


I need to leave.


God willing, Her envoys will be here Friday. I feel like I am going out of my mind. I feel like I'm just being driven insane.


I'm leaving my cell phone. I'm not taking it with me. I can't. I'm just not going to leave them to have any means of direct contact with me. No, I'm going to keep in touch through my big sister-in-heart Miss Alex, she's agreed that she'll give them the message from me that I've arrived safely and that they aren't to come looking for me because I'll be okay.


The plus side is, there are two indescribably amazing people that are giving me a room. I promise to be good for them.


I Love You Master, with all of my heart and with every fiber of my being.
I Love You Daddy, as much as I've ever loved anyone in my entire life.
I Trust You Master, with my heart and with my health and with my life.
I am Yours Daddy, I can't wait to be with You and spend my life with You.
Home has two rooms, Daddy, and being in Your Arms is one of those rooms.
The other room is on my knees in front of You.


Home is where I belong.
Home is where I can't wait to be.


- Protected Slave and Property of the Magnificent Miss_Misanthropy,
Privileged to be Master's Adoring Pet Whore, Ophelia

Sunday, 1 January, 2012.

I want to start by saying something.


HAPPY NEW YEAR!


I also want to say:


We are not all dying in next Winter Solstice. The world is not coming to an end.
Do you want to know how I know this? Of course you do. I have it on very good
authority that the world is not coming to an end, because in the Bible that most
of those doomsday prophets happen to be from a religion observant to, there is
a passage that declares that no mortal may know or accurately predict the end.


Therefore, given all the doomsday predictions for 21 December, 2012? It won't
happen, if for no better reason than the fact that so many have predicted it will.


So take the following advice to heart:


On 20 December, 2012, DO NOT ...


• go out and donate everything you own to charity.
Seriously, if the world ends tomorrow, it's too late.


• go out and donate everything you own to Harold Camping.
Seriously, he should be sued for all the times he's scammed people out of everything they own by convincing them the world is absolutely going to end immediately the very second that he says it, and that since they don't need their belongings anymore, they should make a good faith payment to God by donating them to him. What sane person's response would be anything but a knuckle-sandwich to the face? If the world's ending tomorrow, this old bastard doesn't need your Maserati.


• go out and rape, murder, pillage, or otherwise perpetrate a violent criminal act.
Seriously, even if the world were ending the next day, that'd be the day to thank God for Yeshua of Nazareth and Yeshua's assertion of the forgiveness of all your wrongdoings, not go out and do some new bad shit. Honestly, think about it. You're going to see a judge for what you do the eve of the supposed end of the world, and if that happens to be Judge God, His sentences can be far harsher than anything a mere mortal judge would be legally allowed to hand down to you, moron.


Now that we have that neatly out of the way...


I'm moving!


I should be living in Tennessee this coming Sunday, at the very latest.
Master is going to dye my hair silver and give me silver lipstick for the Gender Bender Party.


I am really looking forward to being able to meet everyone.
I may not get to say goodbye to the people in New Jersey that I love so much, but I can't let that bother me, we're going to have a picnic up there at some point and then they'll all get to meet the Master Who Owns me.


Daddy is so eager to meet Her little girl's friends and loved ones.
She's not quite as eager to meet my adoptive parents, which I can totally understand.
Especially since She'll be meeting them in autumn anyway, most likely.


I got so excited about leaving that I became nauseous and needed a very large dose of honey so I could make a dent in the nausea. It worked, of course, but yeah. I got so excited I became sick to my stomach with enthusiasm. That's never happened before. This must be what they mean when they talk about "butterflies in your stomach."


Master's giving me many firsts.
I can't wait to be with my Daddy.


I Love You Master, with all of my heart and every fiber of my being.
I Love You Daddy, as much as I have ever loved anyone in my life.
There is no part of me that does not love every part of You, Master.
I Trust You Master, with my heart, with my health, and with my life.
I know You will never do anything to damage Your property, Master.
I know You have Your little girl's best interests in mind, Daddy-love!


- Protected Slave and Property of the Magnificent Miss_Misanthropy,
Privileged to be Master's Adoring Pet Whore, Phee

Friday, 30 December, 2011.

So there's good and there's bad. Kind of a given, right?


I'll start with the bad stuff. It's nice to end on a high note, after all, right?


Bad
Not the colour blue, mind you. I like blue, it's my favorite colour actually, which may lead to the very legitimate question, then why the fuck is my blog pink and purple? This is a tangential commentary and not really a bad, I'll get to that in like two seconds, but it's pink and purple because I'm eleven years old, emotionally, and what colour do you expect an eleven-year-old's blog to be if an eleven-year-old had a blog?


Let's start with the big thing. It feels appropriate.
I'm still living here in the first place. I consider this a definite negative.


I'm not allowed to wear dresses or skirts or anything like that "under his roof."


Every day, one of my adoptive parents find something bad to say about me in general, about me moving in general, about me moving to Tennessee, about Tennessee in general, or sometimes a few of those things.


Some days, they both harp about something, sometimes the same thing.


Someone on my Facebook and FetLife friends lists removed me from their friends list and simply stopped responding to my messages after I responded to something. I get the feeling that being a little such as I am, an adult little I mean, is problematic for her because of the way that I feel things. I feel sharp, strong emotional sensations, and I have an apparently unfortunate tendency for sharing those things with other people. It "clogs" their "feed," on FetLife, apparently? My confusion here is that my friend said I was "too focused on Master" and "too in love with Master," knowing that quite frankly I don't have the privilege of living in a Master/slave situation like I want to and she does, as the slave herself, so she seems to have forgotten that eager, deliriously-happy stage. The problem here is the confusion this brings me. When I am upset, I tend to make a somewhat venting post in my status updates, and I began to feel guilty about doing that because she'd say that what I did on that was, essentially, whining. So I've gone from being "too whiny" to "too happy/too in love." I am feeling confused by this.


Good
At least there are a number of positive things to speak about, here, too. Today's overall a better day, because I did get to talk to Master this morning.


My adoptive parents are starting to try to compensate. It's very little and it's very late, but they're at least trying. Master's appropriately disgusted with them, but I'm not going to turn them down. I have been promised a sizable shopping trip to get new clothes of my liking - meaning every piece will be women's clothing, there's going to be a number of skirts and dresses in that list, I solemnly swear, or I'm going to make a huge fuss about it right there in the store. They promised clothes, it better be good stuff from J. C. Penney's that I actually mean to wear at some point. I guarantee, I accept nothing less than dresses or I'm not going. They've also promised me a fresh new haircut, before I leave, from JCP's beauty parlor thing, there's a couple good hairdressers there when I was working there, not sure if they're there anymore. Hopefully!


I have been promised $100 on the day I leave. I'm ignoring the purpose they're intending it for, I'm taking the money and keeping it. I'm not stupid. $100 is a nice bill to be given in this economy, I don't really care what their situation is. Maybe it's harsh, but I let my adoptive father have a free lease on my Jeep for 6 years. He drove it free for 72 months. He paid $12,000 of the $19,000 the Jeep cost, because he enjoyed driving it, but the point is that if he wanted to press the monetary issue, he'd still owe me $9,600 even if the lease was only $300 a month, which I think for a 2003 Jeep (with a lease starting in basically 2005, at that) would've been incredibly reasonably priced, and it'd also add up to $21,600. So he'd still owe me $9,600, I'm going to let it go, though, since I don't want to spend $9,600 on a lawyer to GET $9,600. That'd be vindictive, since I wouldn't really be getting anything out of it in the long run.


My Jeep is now in perfect running condition again.


My Labra'pei has now been definitely given her microchip. Doggy Lo-Jack, check!
I call her a Labra'pei because she seems to be one-eighth Shar'pei and seven-eighths Golden Labrador. Labra'pei seems to be an appropriate name. They just throw Labra on everything else, after all, when it's part Labrador. So, whatever. At least she's not a Labradoodle, that just sounds like something a kid did during kindergarten. xD LOL JK Labradoodle owners, your dogs are so cute, I wish I had one.


Almost all of my things are packed.
Except my trading cards - I need to get some tins for that - most of my clothes, except whatever I get at J. C. Penney and a few other things that I haven't packed yet because I'd like to have some stuff to wear between now and the day I leave. Beginning to think about renting a U-haul and going down there on my own with printed-out directions to Clarksville, finding a distinctive café, parking in the parking lot and going inside to get a cup of coffee and ask to use their phone to make a call and let Master know I'm in town, I'm at such and such a place on such and such a street, and to please send someone to come get me and bring me home because little girl will be fucking lost in Clarksville until she learns her way around.


I want to wait for people to come up and get me, because I don't necessarily want to make this kind of drive all by myself and on written instructions, no less. Of course, I could just find one of the highways that actually GOES from New Jersey to Tennessee, and follow it until I see the big old sign that says, "Welcome to Tennessee!" and then stop and call from there and be like. Yeah, I'm on the side of the road on this road looking up at the welcome sign on Tennessee's front door. Come get me and guide me home? I don't want to be a burden, and I figure that if I can get myself to the north-central border of Tennessee, I'd be close enough to home that then She could come get me. I'm going to have to discuss it with Her, but as soon as I have all of it packed, I'm seriously thinking I'm going to want to just get the fuck out of Dodge City before anything happens to stop me.


Oh, well.


I Love You, Master, with all of my heart and every fiber of my being.
There is no part of me that does not love every part of You, Master.
I Trust You, Master, with my heart, with my health, and with my life.
I am Yours, Master, for as long as You will allow me to be Your pet.


- Protected Slave and Property of the Magnificent Miss_Misanthropy,
Privileged to be Master's Adoring Pet Whore, Phee

Wednesday, 28 December, 2011.

I have managed to start my packing, and have managed to get five technically six boxes packed. I say "technically six" because I put my X-Box 360 Kinect back into the box it came in. I'll be putting the Wii back in its' box soon, too, just because I don't want to leave it behind. I like the Wii and the X-Box 360, both. I've managed to pack 90% of my books, 98% of my CDs except the X-Box 360 game that I play the most often. I'll save packing the television, the X-Box 360, & Need For Speed: Carbon, until the day they're coming, for the sake of keeping things relatively simple. I don't want to give up playing it until the day I'm leaving, it's my way out of uncomfortable situations: just go play it and let it tune out everything else in the whole world except the sound of the telephone. Just in case Master's calling, I pay attention to the telephone ringing. It's almost never actually Her, but when it is I answer immediately and pause the game.


Adoptive mother said that they're not going to like me when they see how much I'm bringing with... how annoying. No they aren't. They know I'm 30 years old and they know how many things you tend to accumulate in 30 years that you like enough to take it with you when you move. I have figurines, I have a number of things I've gotten as gifts from people trying to buy my love when they cannot give me the one thing -- acceptance -- so I'm going to take this stuff with me. It's thousands of dollars of figurines, probably at least $2,000 in figurines. You know that if they had spent less buying my love & more time being accepting enough to spend that money on surgeries, I'd be halfway to femininity for my anatomical correctness.


Oh, well.


I'm not going to complain.


Why not?


Because I have a Master Who Loves me so much that She tells me so on a regular basis and in spite of being sick She has been keeping in touch with Her pet on a daily or almost-daily basis & making sure I know how much I mean to Her. This is something that She does not have to do but She does it anyway, knowing how much it means to me to know that I am on Her mind even while She is unwell. I miss Her, I love Her, I need Her, She is Master.


I doubt that I will be able to see all of the people in my life that I love in New Jersey before I leave, it makes me sad, but I have to go, I can't stay for that, they wouldn't want me to do that. I hope Master will let us come back up to New Jersey in the summer for a picnic to introduce Her to all of the most important people in my life. I really want them to meet Her, and I know She wants to meet them, too.


I Love You Master, with all of my heart and every fiber of my being.
I Love You Master, with everything that I am.
I Trust You Master, with my heart, my health, my life.
I have absolute Faith in You Master, You won't need to explain Yourself to me.
I am Yours, Master, for as long as You will allow me to be Your property.


- Protected Slave and Property of the Magnificent Miss_Misanthropy,
Privileged to be Master's Adoring Pet Whore, Ophelia or Phee

Monday, 26 December, 2011.

I am really looking forward to my training. I've gotten to talk to Master a lot lately, and She's agreed to video-log some of our play, I think She's planning to video-log most of my training, but She's said that there are going to be things that are private. I don't know if that'll apply to things included in my training, but it might. I am looking forward to posting the videos, though, at least on FetLife so that all of my friends, there, would be able to enjoy the sight of my training and observing my progress. I have no shame, I don't mind if a friend of mine that I've known for years wants to watch one of those training videos. I'll be proud of my progress, and proud of how I've done in my training, after all, why should I be ashamed to share that with a friend if they want to watch it?


I got to talk to Her this morning for 24 minutes. It was wonderful.
It was like 24 minutes in a tropical paradise.


Hearing Her Voice is like being in heaven, for me. Nothing else matters when I can hear Her Voice in my ears. There are a lot of protocols in the Master/slave dynamic that She's choosing not to use, in our relationship as Master and slave, possibly because of the fact that we've been friends for just about eight years, according to what Master said to me on the phone recently.  My memory isn't all that great with some things, so if She says eight years, then eight it must have been. I was relatively confident in seven, but eight's close enough that I find it believable that it was eight years, y'know?


Whatever the case, I'm thankful to Master for allowing me to have some of the things that would be normally taken away in the conventional Master/slave relationship. For instance, I get to continue to capitalize my own pronouns. I am respected, I am admired, I am appreciated, She does not want it for me to lose these feelings by having to lower-case my pronouns, including the capitalization of it when I say "I" in a sentence, as I've been doing.


Some slaves are required to type their names and pronouns in lower-case, even at the beginning of a sentence, but Master and I are both fans of the English language, and She makes me feel so important and worthy. I think that's why I get to keep capitalizing my pronouns. I realize that it's very much a gift from Master, and one that I am deeply thankful for, but it's a gift and it's something that She can take away if I disappoint Her or misbehave.


There are other things that are found in the "conventional" Master/slave relationship which I may or may not be comfortable with but which are thus far not a part of our dynamic. However, they will not be things that are going to remain out of our dynamic forever, necessarily, as Master is drafting up our slave-contract, wherein I will get to sign myself into Her possession for as long as I wish to be a piece of property in Her ownership. I expect this contract to be binding for the rest of my life, since I cannot imagine a day where I would not wish to be Her property, wherein that would not grant me a feeling of great personal comfort. I want to be with Her for the rest of my life, and to serve Her. She makes me feel so good about myself, so safe and so self-confident, I can't imagine a day wherein I would leave Her voluntarily.


I Love You Master, with all of my heart and every fiber of my being.
There is no part of me that does not love every part of You, Master.
I Trust You, Master -- with my heart, with my safety, and with my life.
I am devoted to You Master, for You are my last thought at night.
I am Yours Master, for You are my first thought whenever I wake up.


- Protected Slave and Property of the Magnificent Miss_Misanthropy,
Privileged to be Master's Adoring Pet Whore, Ophelia

Saturday, 24 December, 2011.

Okay, so in the last few days, I've been suffering some moderate medical complaints. I have got a migraine again, and I have lately begun to experience minor insomnia. It's been taking me like two hours to fall asleep, even though I manage to get in bed on time for the last few nights. Ever since She voiced a little bit of disappointment in my not being in bed on time, I've been careful about the watching of the clock to make sure that I'm actually in bed when I'm supposed to be. Unfortunately, in bed doesn't mean sleeping, I've discovered, and last night I kept waking up and falling asleep & waking up and falling asleep & waking up and falling asleep. I think I woke up at least 4 times last night but I went to bed at 10:03 PM (3 minutes late... sorry Master!) and I managed to sleep all the way until somewhere between 9:00 AM and 10:00 AM.


Either way, there's good things going on, too, in my life.


I have friends whom I love and adore, many of whom are going to be let in on this blog's existence in about 3 weeks, or whenever I get down with Master.


All of my friends from Middle School are happy for me. I love them so much, they've been so utterly wonderful about this.


All three of my female friends from 4-H are happy for me. I love them so much, and see the three of them as being like sisters to me. I'd consider all three of them big sisters, since I'm a "little," as the terminology goes, since I am still emotionally an eleven-year-old. Master will be working with on it, working to get me to an "older" age in my emotional strength and stability.


I recently reconnected with my best friend from J. C. Penney from when I was working there. I love her so much, she's just absolutely amazing. She's one of only two people I keep in touch with, both of them are beautiful and are very kind to me, and both of them know that I am a slave and they are both happy for me because of the joy that Master has brought to Her little girl's life.


I hope that everyone has had a beautiful, wonderful month full of sparkly, glittery feelings, happy memories and many things that shimmer and shine.


I love You, Master, with all of my heart and every fiber of my being.
I love You, Master, as much as I have ever loved anyone in my life.
There is no part of me that does not love every part of You, Master.
I trust You with my heart, my health, my safety, and my life, Master.
I have unwavering faith in You, Master, because You saved my life.
I am devoted to being as obedient to You as I can, because You allowed me to have hope again.


- Protected Slave and Property of the Magnificent Miss_Misanthropy,
Privileged to be Master's Adoring Pet Whore, Phee

Thursday, 22 December, 2011.

I am beginning to think that it might have been a mistake to tell my adoptive mother that I'm actually planning to move and that I should have just told her the day that people were going to be arriving & helping me pack me things. My adoptive father is angry that I am taking my Jeep, which he paid all of the insurance for and which he paid $12,000 of the $19,000 price-tag on. I don't get why he's so angry about it. He's the one that has been driving it for approximately the last six years, every day, I think that kind of mitigates paying the insurance since he's the one that's gotten the benefits out of that. Let's assume that a reasonable monthly payment for a custom-colour 2003 Jeep Liberty (this is a Cactus Green vehicle) would be $300 -- a 72-month lease would be a total of $21,600 so if he wants to nickel-and-dime me, he'd owe me $9,600.00 and I am going to politely allow him to keep that money and just take my Jeep. I know that I will be loved, cared for and supported by some of the people down there, and that the broad majority will accept me without complaint or hesitation.


My adoptive mother has been very patronizing, or at least it feels as if she has been patronizing in the last several days since telling her that I am planning to move out in January, hopefully in earlier portions of the month.


She has literally asked me three times if I was intending to take my dog, and said one time that I shouldn't take my dog. She does not even like my dog, and if I don't take my dog with me, I have absolutely no doubt whatsoever that she would be put down. Seriously, are you taking your dog? Who the hell doesn't take their dog with them when they move?


She has literally brought up paying for gas money, paying for insurance, has "reminded" me three times that you cannot drive a vehicle on the road if you don't have insurance and twice "reminded" me that if it isn't running I can't drive it on the road. Seriously? You think that I don't know that a car has to be running to be able to drive it? You think that just because I haven't driven in a few years, I'm not aware of the fact that a vehicle needs insurance to be legal on the road? How stupid do you think I am? Good God.


The list goes on and on, I'm not going to bother anyone who reads this with the whole grand list of the details, but sufficed to say... I hate it when people get condescending with me. It's so rude. I'm planning on handing over total control of my communication with my adoptive family to Master, for Her to decide when I have to talk to them. They want me to keep in touch, but I've got no desire to keep in touch with them on a regular basis... if I am forced to call them four times a year, I can take that, but I don't want to.


In positive news, I've been thinking more about Master than about the adoptive family, and some of the things that I think of just make me giggly and happy, and put this childlike grin on my face as I'm giggling and laying on my back because I can't quite sit up. It isn't normal stuff that She says, but it's stuff that makes me feel good.


Like for instance, She would never call me a "dirty worthless bitch," because that's mean and nasty and She isn't likes that. However, She has called me a pretty little bitch before, and She has said to others, "Yes, she's a bitch, but she's *My* bitch." Just thinking about those things makes me fall on my bed giggling and grinning and feeling happy.


I love You Master, with all of my heart and every fiber of my being.
I love You Master, as much as I've ever loved anyone.
I trust You Master, I have absolute faith in You, I will only question Your rules if I don't understand.
I am devoted to You Master, thank You for allowing me the privilege of being Your property.
I will obey You to the best of my ability Master, thank You for being patient and forgiving when I fail.
I will do everything I can to minimize my failures and to reflect well upon You, beloved Master.


- Protected Slave and Property of the Magnificent Miss_Misanthropy,
Privileged to be Master's Adoring Pet Whore, Ophelia