So there's good and there's bad. Kind of a given, right?
I'll start with the bad stuff. It's nice to end on a high note, after all, right?
Bad
Not the colour blue, mind you. I like blue, it's my favorite colour actually, which may lead to the very legitimate question, then why the fuck is my blog pink and purple? This is a tangential commentary and not really a bad, I'll get to that in like two seconds, but it's pink and purple because I'm eleven years old, emotionally, and what colour do you expect an eleven-year-old's blog to be if an eleven-year-old had a blog?
Let's start with the big thing. It feels appropriate.
I'm still living here in the first place. I consider this a definite negative.
I'm not allowed to wear dresses or skirts or anything like that "under his roof."
Every day, one of my adoptive parents find something bad to say about me in general, about me moving in general, about me moving to Tennessee, about Tennessee in general, or sometimes a few of those things.
Some days, they both harp about something, sometimes the same thing.
Someone on my Facebook and FetLife friends lists removed me from their friends list and simply stopped responding to my messages after I responded to something. I get the feeling that being a little such as I am, an adult little I mean, is problematic for her because of the way that I feel things. I feel sharp, strong emotional sensations, and I have an apparently unfortunate tendency for sharing those things with other people. It "clogs" their "feed," on FetLife, apparently? My confusion here is that my friend said I was "too focused on Master" and "too in love with Master," knowing that quite frankly I don't have the privilege of living in a Master/slave situation like I want to and she does, as the slave herself, so she seems to have forgotten that eager, deliriously-happy stage. The problem here is the confusion this brings me. When I am upset, I tend to make a somewhat venting post in my status updates, and I began to feel guilty about doing that because she'd say that what I did on that was, essentially, whining. So I've gone from being "too whiny" to "too happy/too in love." I am feeling confused by this.
Good
At least there are a number of positive things to speak about, here, too. Today's overall a better day, because I did get to talk to Master this morning.
My adoptive parents are starting to try to compensate. It's very little and it's very late, but they're at least trying. Master's appropriately disgusted with them, but I'm not going to turn them down. I have been promised a sizable shopping trip to get new clothes of my liking - meaning every piece will be women's clothing, there's going to be a number of skirts and dresses in that list, I solemnly swear, or I'm going to make a huge fuss about it right there in the store. They promised clothes, it better be good stuff from J. C. Penney's that I actually mean to wear at some point. I guarantee, I accept nothing less than dresses or I'm not going. They've also promised me a fresh new haircut, before I leave, from JCP's beauty parlor thing, there's a couple good hairdressers there when I was working there, not sure if they're there anymore. Hopefully!
I have been promised $100 on the day I leave. I'm ignoring the purpose they're intending it for, I'm taking the money and keeping it. I'm not stupid. $100 is a nice bill to be given in this economy, I don't really care what their situation is. Maybe it's harsh, but I let my adoptive father have a free lease on my Jeep for 6 years. He drove it free for 72 months. He paid $12,000 of the $19,000 the Jeep cost, because he enjoyed driving it, but the point is that if he wanted to press the monetary issue, he'd still owe me $9,600 even if the lease was only $300 a month, which I think for a 2003 Jeep (with a lease starting in basically 2005, at that) would've been incredibly reasonably priced, and it'd also add up to $21,600. So he'd still owe me $9,600, I'm going to let it go, though, since I don't want to spend $9,600 on a lawyer to GET $9,600. That'd be vindictive, since I wouldn't really be getting anything out of it in the long run.
My Jeep is now in perfect running condition again.
My Labra'pei has now been definitely given her microchip. Doggy Lo-Jack, check!
I call her a Labra'pei because she seems to be one-eighth Shar'pei and seven-eighths Golden Labrador. Labra'pei seems to be an appropriate name. They just throw Labra on everything else, after all, when it's part Labrador. So, whatever. At least she's not a Labradoodle, that just sounds like something a kid did during kindergarten. xD LOL JK Labradoodle owners, your dogs are so cute, I wish I had one.
Almost all of my things are packed.
Except my trading cards - I need to get some tins for that - most of my clothes, except whatever I get at J. C. Penney and a few other things that I haven't packed yet because I'd like to have some stuff to wear between now and the day I leave. Beginning to think about renting a U-haul and going down there on my own with printed-out directions to Clarksville, finding a distinctive café, parking in the parking lot and going inside to get a cup of coffee and ask to use their phone to make a call and let Master know I'm in town, I'm at such and such a place on such and such a street, and to please send someone to come get me and bring me home because little girl will be fucking lost in Clarksville until she learns her way around.
I want to wait for people to come up and get me, because I don't necessarily want to make this kind of drive all by myself and on written instructions, no less. Of course, I could just find one of the highways that actually GOES from New Jersey to Tennessee, and follow it until I see the big old sign that says, "Welcome to Tennessee!" and then stop and call from there and be like. Yeah, I'm on the side of the road on this road looking up at the welcome sign on Tennessee's front door. Come get me and guide me home? I don't want to be a burden, and I figure that if I can get myself to the north-central border of Tennessee, I'd be close enough to home that then She could come get me. I'm going to have to discuss it with Her, but as soon as I have all of it packed, I'm seriously thinking I'm going to want to just get the fuck out of Dodge City before anything happens to stop me.
Oh, well.
I Love You, Master, with all of my heart and every fiber of my being.
There is no part of me that does not love every part of You, Master.
I Trust You, Master, with my heart, with my health, and with my life.
I am Yours, Master, for as long as You will allow me to be Your pet.
- Protected Slave and Property of the Magnificent Miss_Misanthropy,
Privileged to be Master's Adoring Pet Whore, Phee
I'll start with the bad stuff. It's nice to end on a high note, after all, right?
Bad
Not the colour blue, mind you. I like blue, it's my favorite colour actually, which may lead to the very legitimate question, then why the fuck is my blog pink and purple? This is a tangential commentary and not really a bad, I'll get to that in like two seconds, but it's pink and purple because I'm eleven years old, emotionally, and what colour do you expect an eleven-year-old's blog to be if an eleven-year-old had a blog?
Let's start with the big thing. It feels appropriate.
I'm still living here in the first place. I consider this a definite negative.
I'm not allowed to wear dresses or skirts or anything like that "under his roof."
Every day, one of my adoptive parents find something bad to say about me in general, about me moving in general, about me moving to Tennessee, about Tennessee in general, or sometimes a few of those things.
Some days, they both harp about something, sometimes the same thing.
Someone on my Facebook and FetLife friends lists removed me from their friends list and simply stopped responding to my messages after I responded to something. I get the feeling that being a little such as I am, an adult little I mean, is problematic for her because of the way that I feel things. I feel sharp, strong emotional sensations, and I have an apparently unfortunate tendency for sharing those things with other people. It "clogs" their "feed," on FetLife, apparently? My confusion here is that my friend said I was "too focused on Master" and "too in love with Master," knowing that quite frankly I don't have the privilege of living in a Master/slave situation like I want to and she does, as the slave herself, so she seems to have forgotten that eager, deliriously-happy stage. The problem here is the confusion this brings me. When I am upset, I tend to make a somewhat venting post in my status updates, and I began to feel guilty about doing that because she'd say that what I did on that was, essentially, whining. So I've gone from being "too whiny" to "too happy/too in love." I am feeling confused by this.
Good
At least there are a number of positive things to speak about, here, too. Today's overall a better day, because I did get to talk to Master this morning.
My adoptive parents are starting to try to compensate. It's very little and it's very late, but they're at least trying. Master's appropriately disgusted with them, but I'm not going to turn them down. I have been promised a sizable shopping trip to get new clothes of my liking - meaning every piece will be women's clothing, there's going to be a number of skirts and dresses in that list, I solemnly swear, or I'm going to make a huge fuss about it right there in the store. They promised clothes, it better be good stuff from J. C. Penney's that I actually mean to wear at some point. I guarantee, I accept nothing less than dresses or I'm not going. They've also promised me a fresh new haircut, before I leave, from JCP's beauty parlor thing, there's a couple good hairdressers there when I was working there, not sure if they're there anymore. Hopefully!
I have been promised $100 on the day I leave. I'm ignoring the purpose they're intending it for, I'm taking the money and keeping it. I'm not stupid. $100 is a nice bill to be given in this economy, I don't really care what their situation is. Maybe it's harsh, but I let my adoptive father have a free lease on my Jeep for 6 years. He drove it free for 72 months. He paid $12,000 of the $19,000 the Jeep cost, because he enjoyed driving it, but the point is that if he wanted to press the monetary issue, he'd still owe me $9,600 even if the lease was only $300 a month, which I think for a 2003 Jeep (with a lease starting in basically 2005, at that) would've been incredibly reasonably priced, and it'd also add up to $21,600. So he'd still owe me $9,600, I'm going to let it go, though, since I don't want to spend $9,600 on a lawyer to GET $9,600. That'd be vindictive, since I wouldn't really be getting anything out of it in the long run.
My Jeep is now in perfect running condition again.
My Labra'pei has now been definitely given her microchip. Doggy Lo-Jack, check!
I call her a Labra'pei because she seems to be one-eighth Shar'pei and seven-eighths Golden Labrador. Labra'pei seems to be an appropriate name. They just throw Labra on everything else, after all, when it's part Labrador. So, whatever. At least she's not a Labradoodle, that just sounds like something a kid did during kindergarten. xD LOL JK Labradoodle owners, your dogs are so cute, I wish I had one.
Almost all of my things are packed.
Except my trading cards - I need to get some tins for that - most of my clothes, except whatever I get at J. C. Penney and a few other things that I haven't packed yet because I'd like to have some stuff to wear between now and the day I leave. Beginning to think about renting a U-haul and going down there on my own with printed-out directions to Clarksville, finding a distinctive café, parking in the parking lot and going inside to get a cup of coffee and ask to use their phone to make a call and let Master know I'm in town, I'm at such and such a place on such and such a street, and to please send someone to come get me and bring me home because little girl will be fucking lost in Clarksville until she learns her way around.
I want to wait for people to come up and get me, because I don't necessarily want to make this kind of drive all by myself and on written instructions, no less. Of course, I could just find one of the highways that actually GOES from New Jersey to Tennessee, and follow it until I see the big old sign that says, "Welcome to Tennessee!" and then stop and call from there and be like. Yeah, I'm on the side of the road on this road looking up at the welcome sign on Tennessee's front door. Come get me and guide me home? I don't want to be a burden, and I figure that if I can get myself to the north-central border of Tennessee, I'd be close enough to home that then She could come get me. I'm going to have to discuss it with Her, but as soon as I have all of it packed, I'm seriously thinking I'm going to want to just get the fuck out of Dodge City before anything happens to stop me.
Oh, well.
I Love You, Master, with all of my heart and every fiber of my being.
There is no part of me that does not love every part of You, Master.
I Trust You, Master, with my heart, with my health, and with my life.
I am Yours, Master, for as long as You will allow me to be Your pet.
- Protected Slave and Property of the Magnificent Miss_Misanthropy,
Privileged to be Master's Adoring Pet Whore, Phee
Your blog post touches on a lot of different topics that I would like to comment on. Perhaps it's a little unfair to do what I'm going to do, but, we can discuss this when you wake up.
ReplyDeletePARENTS: Oscar Wilde wrote, and it's a quote that has stayed with me for a long time now, that as children we love our parents, then we judge them, but rarely do we forgive them.
Whilst there are portions of your personality that are 11 years old, I think you have outgrown your adoptive parents, judged them, and now do not forgive them. Maybe in time you will, who knows?
Inasmuch as they are a negative influence and have brought you such grief, I do wonder what their perception of you is.
CLOGGING THE FEED: LOL! I know this! Though this is funny in one sense, because I understand completely where your referred-to friends are coming from, I'm going to offer my serious 2 cents.
ReplyDeleteYes, amongst my limited circle of friends you are the most active and you're always doing something. I also often see your comments on how much you love and adore Master, hey, it's at the end of every post you make!
What do I think of it? I chose you as a friend, I kept you as a friend, knowing that you spend a lot of time on FL, that you post a lot, and that you are deeply devoted and in love with your Master. If at any point it bothers me because it is excessive, I skim over it. I acknowledge that it is probably something in me that is causing me to be irritated, and if it isn't, and I genuinely have an issue, I can discuss it with you.
My only concern? - There is a part of me that is worried for you. I do not want you to be hurt, and you seem to trust your Master so completely. I don't want this loyalty, love and trust to cause you pain, strife or harm in any way. As much as you believe, and let us say you are right, that Master would/will/shall never harm you in any way, your Master is *human*. Flawed and likely to err, just as any one else is.
I do not know if your love for her is tempered in anyway. If, heaven forbid, something happens between the two of you, what do you have to fall back on? - I think this is why I am happy you are making other friends in Tennessee.
ONE MORE THING. Has the font gone back down to size teeny-tiny?
ReplyDeleteI'd like to know more about you as the 11 year old. I feel I know you as a mix of both young adult and adult-adult, without necessarily knowing either portion in depth.
-also, it is possible that you will 'grow-up' with Master, and your age will change. Does that mean you may go through the sullen 14 year old stage?